Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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