there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How does one acquire holy water?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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