I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
