Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
