no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
