Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
