i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
