This is not my ceiling
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
