I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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