she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My ass is underappreciated
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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