You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
