i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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