How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
