Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How's work?
Spinning.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
