why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
