you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
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A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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