She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
