the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
