I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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