the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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