She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
