the new term for farting is butt boxing.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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