'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
