I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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