If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
