On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
