the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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