they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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