You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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