Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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