I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
