God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
