My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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