I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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