Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
