I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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