Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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