The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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