Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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