I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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