can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
