I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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