remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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