We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Houston, we have a squirter
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
