The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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