You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
