I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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