Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
