Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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