She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
