I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
