I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
