im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
