My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
