She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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