We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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