i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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